The What of the Heart?

I set out on my own nearly a year ago in search of something. It’s no secret that I was (and still am) searching for a way to happiness and, bigger than that, searching for an answer to what this life is all about. I feel I can’t settle until I find some answers. It gnaws at me this issue- Why are we here? Why is it so hard sometimes? Who or what is responsible? What’s His address? In these past twelve months I’ve read lots and lots of books on the subject by great yogis, Buddhist scholars, monks and nuns, physicists and respected philosophers, both Western and Eastern. Many refer to God. Almost all talk about soul and spirit. Some discuss the inner voice. But the image that has come to mean something to me is that of the heart. I have always found it impossible to have blind faith in God. I also accept that modern science does not (yet?) have all the answers. Since I was about 13, I really, really, really wished I could just believe in God and Heaven and have some of the happiness that gives the ‘Happy Clappers’ their name.But no- either I wasn’t born with those genes (although, having said that, many people in my family, on both sides are believers) or my dad’s atheist views rubbed off on me (Nature or nurture? Discuss). Or perhaps I was destined to follow my own path...
One thing I do know for sure is that it has always made me angry when people who have blind faith talk about the existence of God and all related concepts as if there was some kind of proof that they exist. Maybe I’m just envious. But I think there’s more to it than that: I feel angry because I feel that blind faith is not good enough. I’m getting fobbed off. The whole subject has been dumbed down. As an independent, educated thinker, I can’t simply accept the interpretations by others of ancient texts as truth. I have to do the work needed to find my own truth.
All through my teens I just wanted a better answer. When I didn’t find one, I eventually gave up, called myself an atheist and threw myself into the business of living. It took me this long, some major life events and some serious unhappiness to start reviewing the situation.
So, having reviewed for the past twelve months, what answers have I come up with?

Journeys to the heart
Since returning to India in April and continuing my search, I have been on many journeys, some of them taking several days, and I’ve covered large expanses of land all around the north west of the country, from Dharamsala to Kashmir, Leh to Delhi. On these journeys I’ve seen some of the most beautiful landscapes of my life and also some of the harshest and most intimidating. Wandering in the lush mountains of Kashmir and driving over the dry, desert passes of Ladakh, illustrated to me how small I am in comparison to these seemingly empty expanses of our planet. Something frightening to the ego on one hand, but equally reassuring on the other, that, at a time when we hear so much of over-population and the destruction of our environment, there are still, in fact, places on earth that man has hardly touched.

Journeying Inside
To me these journeys and the landscapes I have encountered recently serve as a useful metaphor for the inner journey that I have also been taking.. The mind is a huge expanse of chartered and unchartered territory: exciting and frightening, beautiful, powerful and familiar, sometimes a refuge, sometimes unpredictable to the point of betrayal.
In April I did Dhamma service at the Vipassana Meditation Centre in Dharamkot, Dharamshala. For ten days I served 45 of my fellow seekers as they learned the method of Vipassana meditation, sitting for up to 10 hours a day, often struggling in silence with their physical pain and mental suffering, discovering some of the workings of their mind and finally emerging on the 10th day to share their experiences together and to spread their loving kindness to all sentient beings, first to themselves, then to each other and their loved ones and finally to all beings seen and unseen (in the practice of metta meditation). The service I did during those 10 days taught me much about myself too and taught me more ways in which I can attain peace and happiness in my life: As Dhamma servers, our teachers encouraged us to practise and develop metta (loving kindness) during our work, as we helped students with their practical needs and while giving emotional support. At the end of every evening, servers would sit together and meditate on metta before going to bed. I found this practice extremely powerful and felt strong feelings of empathy, sympathy and wishes of goodwill towards the students. The days were sometimes long and emotionally challenging but I found that remembering to focus on feelings of love and kindness for others as much as I could during my work and meditation, helped to give me the energy and mental strength I needed. During this meditation, I found myself focusing on the area around my heart and I distinctly felt a warmth and power emanating from my chest and radiating out into the room towards others. I felt as though my heart was opening.
This has been a very important lesson for me and perhaps one of the answers I was hoping for. Since learning to practise metta, I have tried to incorporate it into my daily practice and, since reading a book on the subject, I have started to use metta in a daily walking meditation and in carrying out my daily activities. Ananda Maitreya Mahanayaka Thera likens metta to cool water poured onto the fire of human existence. So metta can help you if you feel negative and help give you perspective on your troubles .

(Read the Dalai Lama’s Book of Love and Compassion or check out http://www.buddhanet.net/). I have noticed a distinct improvement in my own feelings towards others since starting to practise metta: I am less focused on myself and my anxieties and therefore it is easier for me to feel empathy and to pick up on others’ emotions and I often remember to feel lucky because I am!